Your Inner Bitch isn’t just one voice – she’s a whole crew. Meet Scary Mary and her gang: each of them has their own special talent for talking you out of trying. ‘Cos you can’t defeat an enemy you’re not aware of…
Fear of failure gets mahoosively louder when your first attempt feels permanent, public, or impossible to undo.
That makes it bloody expensive.
Not in cold hard cash (though sometimes that too). In time. In emotion. In pride. In the ‘ugh’ of knowing you wanted to try, and you didn’t.
Your Inner Bitch wants to protect you. She knows that if failing feels like a judgment on your entire worth as a human, you won’t try at all.
And she has a whole gang to back her up.
They’re not stupid. They’re specialists. Each one has perfected a different way to keep you stuck. They work together beautifully – which is the problem.
It’s bloody uncomfortable.
By design.
Here’s What The Pattern Actually Looks Like
We’ve all been there, putting off stuff that could actually make life rosier:
Applying for a job you really want:
Your Inner Bitch says, ‘You’ll never get it, don’t bother.
That’s Scary Mary – always predicting disaster.
Creating an online dating profile:
‘The last attempt was disastrous. Save your soul.’
There’s Shamey Lainey, replaying the cringe and predicting more of it.
Starting yet another health kick.
‘You sacked the last one off after two days.’
Enter Black and White Barbara – one broken streak means the whole thing is ruined.
Giving up smoking/vaping/whatever bad habit.
‘You don’t have the willpower.’
Well hello, Helpless Helen. She’s convinced that nothing you do will make a difference.
Trying a new morning routine.
‘It’ll never last.’
Sabotage Sally just wants to protect you from the disappointment of failing again.
Taking control of your finances.
‘What finances?’
Negative Nelly loves to highlight all that is rubbish and why it won’t improve.
Asking for help.
‘You should be able to do it on your own.’
Blamey Belinda will make sure it’s all your fault.
Having an awkward conversation.
‘You’ll say it wrong and humiliate yourself.’
Yup, there’s Shamey Lainey again – she’s basically a defcon one embarrassment alarm.
Different thing. Same fear:
‘What if I try, cock it up, and prove my Inner Bitch right?’
No thanks. I can’t be arsed to give myself more ‘could do better’ to beat myself up about.
The Pattern That Keeps You Stuck
Here’s what they’re actually saying:
If your first try isn’t perfect, you’ve proved you’re incapable.
So don’t bother.
Reasonable?
Absolutely.
True?
Nope.
It’s the first try. Not a final exam. Not a declaration of your abilities. Not a prophecy about your future.
Just the first try.
But when every attempt feels like a personality transplant is required before you’re allowed to begin, you stay stuck instead.
Your Inner Bestie has a different take:
That fear makes sense. It’s trying to protect you. But protection that stops you from trying isn’t actually protection – it’s a cage disguised as comfort. And you’ve got far too much to do to be trapped.
How To Actually Start When Fear Is Screaming In Your Head
You don’t need to kill the fear.
(Spoiler – Scary Mary won’t budge, and you can’t make her. So don’t bother trying.)
You just need to sidestep her.
Which changes the whole equation.
1. Make It Private – Your First Try Doesn’t Need An Audience
Not every attempt needs a red carpet, trumpets and a firework display.
Most of them are rehearsals.
This is where Perfectionist Petra usually barges in, demanding you be flawless before the world sees it.
Tell her to chill the eff out.
You could:
- Draft that job application. Save it. Don’t hit send yet. Let it sit while you decide whether it puts you in the best light.
- Create the dating profile. Keep it hidden. Does it feel right? Change it. Do it again. Then go live.
- Make one new, delicious, nutritious breakfast instead of announcing your shiny new health era.
- Say the awkward thing out loud when nobody’s listening. Practise it. Hear how it lands. Then have the real conversation.
Your nervous system doesn’t yet know the difference between a rehearsal and the real thing.
So it gets to practice.
Your Inner Bestie says:
‘It might actually be fun to try things in private. You’ll feel better once you’ve tried. No one’s gonna see. You get to change your mind, delete it, or do it completely differently tomorrow. This version is just research. Nothing’s permanent yet.’
2. Make It Smaller – Las Vagueness is Where Fear Lives
Scary Mary loves a task with fuzzy boundaries and catastrophic consequences.
So shrink it.
You could:
- Find one suitable job instead of promising yourself you’ll apply for twenty.
- Upload one photo that you actually like instead of trying to create Ms Perfect.
- Walk for ten minutes instead of launching a punishing six-day fitness plan that your nervous system is already dreading.
- Delay one vape. Change one small cue. Don’t demand instant lifelong perfection.
- Get out of bed ten minutes earlier instead of inventing a two-hour morning routine that’ll make you want to crawl back into bed.
Small isn’t pointless.
Small is how you move before your Inner Bitch arranges an emergency committee meeting.
Your Inner Bestie says:
‘Small steps don’t look like much, but they’re enough to prove to your nervous system that you can survive this. One step doesn’t need to become a whole journey. It just needs to be one step. Then another. Moving feels far better than staying stuck.’
3. Make It Reversible – You’re Not Signing Your Name In Permanent Ink
Here’s the thing Sabotage Sally depends on:
She makes every decision feel carved in stone.
Most of them are scribbled in pencil.
Ask yourself:
‘What actually happens if this goes wrong?’
The honest answer:
- If the application gets rejected, you improve it and apply elsewhere. You won’t be publicly humiliated by Sir Alan Sugar’s pointy finger.
- If online dating feels awful, you pause it. Change the profile. Delete the app. Take yourself on a hot date. Spa, country house, woodsy walk… one is sometimes more fun.
- If the health kick doesn’t suit you, you adjust it. You’re not incapable of change – this version just isn’t the right one.
- If you vape again, miss the routine, or avoid the money spreadsheet for another day, you don’t spiral. You use what happened to plan the next attempt. And avoid the trigger.
- Even if you quit completely and come back in six months, that’s not failure. That’s rhythm. That’s actual real human life.
Give your nervous system an easy Plan B.
Tell it:
Getting it wrong won’t trap me forever.
Your Inner Bestie says:
‘There’s always another move. Always. If this one goes tits up, you haven’t ruined your life – you’ve just found one way that doesn’t work. Annoying? Yes. Useful? Also yes. You can tweak it, bin it, or have another bash tomorrow. Nothing you do today gets the final say.’
4. Give It Ten Minutes – You Don’t Need To Finish Today
You don’t need the whole thing done.
You don’t need to be someone new.
You don’t even need to feel ready.
You only need to prove that starting it is survivable.
Set a ten-minute timer.
That’s it.
In ten minutes, you could:
- Update the first section of your CV. (Not the whole thing. One section.)
- Ask your favourite AI to help you create a realistic-yet-alluring profile that sounds like you.
- Put your trainers by the door. Walk around the block.
- Go do something else for ten minutes instead of reaching for that vape. Fold the laundry. Wash the cat. (Life can’t always be exciting.)
- Think about what an easy, healthy breakfast actually is. (We all know it’s smashed avocado.)
- Open your banking app and look for one thing you could have easily not have spent out on. Just one. (You know there are loads!)
Then you stop.
You’re allowed to stop.
You might choose to keep going. But that’s the bonus. Starting is the win.
Your Inner Bestie says:
‘You don’t need to be ready. You don’t need to feel brave. You just need to try for ten minutes. Your job is to just flippin’ start. My job is to tell you how frikkin’ awesome you are when you do’
Your Easy Plan B Template
This is the thing the whole mean girls gang hates.
A proper escape route.
Name the fear:
‘I’m scared I’ll apply and be rejected.’
Shrink the action:
Update the first section of your CV. That’s all.
Plan the next step (not the end goal, just the next step):
Update the first section of your CV. That’s all.
Do ten minutes today:
Open the CV. Read it. Change one line. That’s enough. (But I bet you’ll want to carry on.)
The Big Picture
Your Inner Bitch and her crew aren’t wrong to be protective.
They’re keeping you safe the only way they know how – by making sure you don’t try (and therefore can’t fail).
But protection that stops you from living isn’t protection anymore.
It’s a cage.
And you’re asking permission to leave.
The permission you’re looking for isn’t about feeling ready.
It’s about making the cost of trying something you can actually afford.
So you don’t sit there in six months’ time berating yourself for time wasted and wondering what would’ve happened if you’d just started.
Ready To Stop Waiting Until You Feel Ready?
If Scary Mary keeps turning every first attempt into a final exam, sidestep her some more with Fight Your Fear of Failure: The Workbook.
It walks you through what fear actually looks like (Scary Mary with road crew, lighting rigs and backup dancers), how your nervous system creates the trap, and how you get yourself out.
You don’t need to feel brave.
You just need to make the first step cheaper.
So I’m doing my bit.
You can grab your first-step sat nav, the Fight Your Fear of Failure: The Workbook, for the introductory price of £5 instead of the usual £27.
Cheap as chips. And a pretty perfect place to start.
You’re welcome, Petra.